Mom said she needed to sleep, that she hadn't was tossing and turning all night and didn't sleep. It sounded odd because I knew she took 2 xanax and that usually knocks her out and I watched her sleeping most of the night and she woke up 11am. I respected her wishes and at around 2:30pm my husband and I left but before I left she made me promise to not call 911 (as per her wishes and hospice at home rules) and do not resuscitate, she asked me to write it down on a pad which I did and left it near her on the couch. As we were leaving she said she was going into the bed room to rest and for me not to call her, I said ok. After I left, I called my sister's cell to let her know but got no answer, she took her son to a birthday party and I finally got in touch with her around 5pm, she told me she was leaving the party soon and then would drop the kids off to their father and go to moms.
At 8pm my sister calls me and says " I think mom took a bottle of xanax, a whole bottle is lying next to her and she is slurring her speech and vomiting. She wrote us a letter and signed that she is "going home" "
I asked her to make sure and check the medicine bin for a bottle of xanax, she found it. After driving and being stuck in traffic I made it to moms around 9:45pm. I came stocked with organic chicken broth and water for mom. My sister was waiting for me downstairs, she ran over her end of the day with me up until a few moments ago to her greeting me. I got upstairs, I said hello to mom and kissed her, she was rocked. She oddly looked at me, barely opening her eyes. She was lying on the couch. She asked me if she was going to go to heaven. She called for the bucket to vomit in, she asked for water, then threw up some more, this went on for a while until she sat up and was wobbling. She looked drugged. I knew she took the xanax but we weren't sure just how many pills.
My sister and I called her hospice care network, asked for the yellow team and were told to wait for a nurse to call back within 15 minutes. A nurse, let's call her Helen, called back and wasn't very helpful. She asked us if we would be okay and could be able to live with letting our mother commit suicide. She twisted our words, we were frantic and panicky but calm at the same time. Since we did not know how many pills she took we asked for advice. For example, if she took the pills after I left but was coherent when my sister arrived at 7pm and was now throwing up obviously her attempt failed what she we do? I asked how many pills of .5mg xanax would cause a suicide. Basically we weren't sure if we should call 911 about this so we called the hospice network as they told us and now this lady was twisting our words telling us we were aiding her suicide and she was calling 911?! WOW! The nerve of her.
The police came within 5 minutes, no offense but these 2 our of shape dingbats were so frightened as they later explained the precinct had recently responded to a 911 call where the person attempting suicide slashed a cop who arrived at the scene, if the hospice nurse explained anything correctly to the 911 the following did not have to happen. Plain clothes detected barged in without knocking and then when the cops told them its ok they started to joke around. I could tell my sister was fuming mad about it as was I. The paramedics arrived next, mom got the story out that she took about 10-12 xanax and why didn't it do anything?
They took her to the ER, I rode along with mom in the ambulance and my sister followed in her car. The ambulance ride was horrible, the e.m.t. made sure to drive over every pothole and bump, and was blasting rap music as if she was pumping herself up for a night out to a club. I rolled my eyes, I was appalled and the e.m.t. who was riding inthe back with us did a good job of making conversation after that telling me how she was gassy and feeling sick from eating a Nathan's hot dog earlier but it was so good and worth it. In the ER I noticed my mother was getting more jaundice, she was still loopy and just wanted to know why it didn't work.
When asked why she did it she said that she is suffering, she cannot eat or drink, she battled with breast cancer for 10 years and just wants the pain to end.
How can anyone argue with that? I am dying inside, I am losing my mother, my best friend. Yet I cannot be so selfish as to expect her to continue taking weekly chemo treatments to stretch her life. As soon as she stopped the chemo she got the ascites, was her quality of life better on chemo or suffering physically and emotionally waiting to die? I don't know the answers. I wish I did. She doesn't want to be on morphine until the end, she is strong she tolerates the pain but yet she does not want to suffer, what is the right thing to do?
I do not agree with suicide but at this time I am numb at her attempt. It is shocking yet it did not shock me, I cannot explain this feeling. I just want her to be free, to be with my father and other loved ones in heaven, without pain and disease.
After the intake, medical questions, blood work and psychiatric screening they felt it was ethical to release her. The hospice network set up the ride home for her and we were told we could not ride with her so my sister and I are at mom's waiting for her. We got her bed ready, nightgown and all. She is not home yet so I write this unable to nap as my sister is doing right now.
Somehow I feel like this is my fault. A month or 2 ago when I was attending college classes I stayed with my mom the days I had class. I subscribed to netflix as a gift for my mom because she loves movies. She is 64 years old and hipper than me when it comes to music, tv shows and movies. One night I fell asleep early and woke up at 12:30am and came into the living room to find her watching a documentary about assisted suicide. A woman was spending her last holiday, her family with her at home. She had terminal liver cancer and her stomach looked to be 9 months pregnant. She chose the night to die, one of her family members crushed up some pills that were provided to her by a medical assisted suicide place and they put in a drink and that was the end of the film. I feel if she didn't see this she wouldn't have attempted it. Mom asked why they couldn't help her end the suffering of living like this and to lighten things up I said because this isn't Texas, she said-it was Oregon, can I move there?
I cannot believe I am writing about something like this, and I am not ashamed of her attempt. I feel indifferent about it. I just worry now what is to come, I do not want her to suffer.
No comments:
Post a Comment