Halloween tears

Its only halloween and I miss my mother. Her handmade decorations, her half eaten bag of candies to hand out to the trick or treaters, our conversation at the end of the night about how no children knocked for candy.

What I really miss is being able to ask her what costumes I wore growing up and if there are any pictures of them.

Xanax overdose.

Yesterday started out weird. First of all, I could not fall asleep because I was crying all night about my mom, I am having severe pain in my upper right abdomen that I think is gallstones (Just got to wait it out and see) I had to take a pain killer and motrin in order to fall asleep. Tossed and turned all night just watching my mom sleep, think I finally fell asleep around 3:40am and I woke up around 12:00pm Sunday. My mom was on the couch, I served her soup and she was barely opening her mouth to sleep. It reminded me of when my father became to weak, I questioned if death was taking over her because of that same stone stare. On top of that her ascites drain catheter was leaking, no nurse came to drain her. My husband (came to visit mom for the weekend) had not eaten and was getting hungry and I had not eaten as well so we wwere going to order from grubhub.com but I decided not to because it would not be right for her to suffer from smelling food she could not eat. The original plan for the day was to take my husband home at 6pm when my sister could come to the house to be with mom. Mom wasn't having it. 

Mom said she needed to sleep, that she hadn't was tossing and turning all night and didn't sleep. It sounded odd because I knew she took 2 xanax and that usually knocks her out and I watched her sleeping most of the night and she woke up 11am. I respected her wishes and at around 2:30pm my husband and I left but before I left she made me promise to not call 911 (as per her wishes and hospice at home rules) and do not resuscitate, she asked me to write it down on a pad which I did and left it near her on the couch. As we were leaving she said she was going into the bed room to rest and for me not to call her, I said ok. After I left, I called my sister's cell to let her know but got no answer, she took her son to a birthday party and I finally got in touch with her around 5pm, she told me she was leaving the party soon and then would drop the kids off to their father and go to moms.

At 8pm my sister calls me and says " I think mom took a bottle of xanax, a whole bottle is lying next to her and she is slurring her speech and vomiting. She wrote us a letter and signed that she is "going home" "

I asked her to make sure and check the medicine bin for a bottle of xanax, she found it. After driving and being stuck in traffic I made it to moms around 9:45pm. I came stocked with organic chicken broth and water for mom. My sister was waiting for me downstairs, she ran over her end of the day with me up until a few moments ago to her greeting me. I got upstairs, I said hello to mom and kissed her, she was rocked. She oddly looked at me, barely opening her eyes. She was lying on the couch. She asked me if she was going to go to heaven. She called for the bucket to vomit in, she asked for water, then threw up some more, this went on for a while until she sat up and was wobbling. She looked drugged. I knew she took the xanax but we weren't sure just how many pills.

My sister and I called her hospice care network, asked for the yellow team and were told to wait for a nurse to call back within 15 minutes. A nurse, let's call her Helen, called back and wasn't very helpful. She asked us if we would be okay  and could be able to live with letting our mother commit suicide. She twisted our words, we were frantic and panicky but calm at the same time. Since we did not know how many pills she took we asked for advice. For example, if she took the pills after I left but was coherent when my sister arrived at 7pm and was now throwing up obviously her attempt failed what she we do? I asked how many pills of .5mg xanax would cause a suicide. Basically we weren't sure if we should call 911 about this so we called the hospice network as they told us and now this lady was twisting our words telling us we were aiding her suicide and she was calling 911?! WOW! The nerve of her. 

The police came within 5 minutes, no offense but these 2 our of shape dingbats were so frightened as they later explained the precinct had recently responded to a 911 call where the person attempting suicide slashed a cop who arrived at the scene, if the hospice nurse explained anything correctly to the 911 the following did not have to happen. Plain clothes detected barged in without knocking and then when the cops told them its ok they started to joke around. I could tell my sister was fuming mad about it as was I. The paramedics arrived next, mom got the story out that she took about 10-12 xanax and why didn't it do anything? 

They took her to the ER, I rode along with mom in the ambulance and my sister followed in her car. The ambulance ride was horrible, the e.m.t. made sure to drive over every pothole and bump, and was blasting rap music as if she was pumping herself up for a night out to a club. I rolled my eyes, I was appalled and the e.m.t. who was riding inthe back with us did a good job of making conversation after that telling me how she was gassy and feeling sick from eating a Nathan's hot dog earlier but it was so good and worth it. In the ER I noticed my mother was getting more jaundice, she was still loopy and just wanted to know why it didn't work. 

When asked why she did it she said that she is suffering, she cannot eat or drink, she battled with breast cancer for 10 years and just wants the pain to end. 

How can anyone argue with that? I am dying inside, I am losing my mother, my best friend. Yet I cannot be so selfish as to expect her to continue taking weekly chemo treatments to stretch her life. As soon as she stopped the chemo she got the ascites, was her quality of life better on chemo or suffering physically and emotionally waiting to die? I don't know the answers. I wish I did. She doesn't want to be on morphine until the end, she is strong she tolerates the pain but yet she does not want to suffer, what is the right thing to do?

I do not agree with suicide but at this time I am numb at her attempt. It is shocking yet it did not shock me, I cannot explain this feeling. I just want her to be free, to be with my father and other loved ones in heaven, without pain and disease.

After the intake, medical questions, blood work and psychiatric screening they felt it was ethical to release her. The hospice network set up the ride home for her and we were told we could not ride with her so my sister and I are at mom's waiting for her. We got her bed ready, nightgown and all. She is not home yet so I write this unable to nap as my sister is doing right now. 

Somehow I feel like this is my fault. A month or 2 ago when I was attending college classes I stayed with my mom the days I had class. I subscribed to netflix as a gift for my mom because she loves movies. She is 64 years old and hipper than me when it comes to music, tv shows and movies. One night I fell asleep early and woke up at 12:30am and came into the living room to find her watching a documentary about assisted suicide. A woman was spending her last holiday, her family with her at home. She had terminal liver cancer and her stomach looked to be 9 months pregnant. She chose the night to die, one of her family members crushed up some pills that were provided to her by a medical assisted suicide place and they put in a drink and that was the end of the film. I feel if she didn't see this she wouldn't have attempted it. Mom asked why they couldn't help her end the suffering of living like this and to lighten things up I said because this isn't Texas, she said-it was Oregon, can I move there? 

I cannot believe I am writing about something like this, and I am not ashamed of her attempt. I feel indifferent about it. I just worry now what is to come, I do not want her to suffer. 

Morphine

My mom told me to come Friday but I couldn't wait. I'm with her now. She is sleeping and looks so beautiful and peaceful.

I took her to get her prescription filled for morphine, we went to duane reade. The pharmicist was a gray haired old bitch who looked as if she hadn't had dick and needed it badly. My mom handed her the prescription and asked her if she has this prescription. She said "you mean medicine" my mom said yes. I felt it was so rude and insensitive of her to respond to my mom like that when she knew the prescription was for morphine which is mostly given to terminally ill people, she clearly understood what she meant and she was just being snobby. My mother speaks 4 languages and was just told she needs hospice, I think she is entitled to being treated with respect. I'm going to give them a piece of my mind.

11am

My mothers oncology appointment was at 11am, I spoke to her briefly prior to it. She felt nasueous so she couldn't talk long. She said she would call me after to let me know what is going on. I waited and waited, at 12:40pm I called her cell phone, my sister answered and I haven't spoken to her in months, I was going to hang up but I swallowed my pride and spoke. She told me that it's not good, she used those same words when she told me about my fathers cancer spreading to his brain. My mother's tumor markers are going higher and higher even with the chemo and the doctor said we need to have a family meeting to discuss end of life. That was all I could get from her because my mother than came and took the phone and I felt her being scared. She cried and I told her I want to stay with her, she said she needs time and told me I could come on the weekend but have to leave Sunday. Her stomach is as large as a 9 month pregnant woman. She can't eat or use the bathroom and all they can do is give her relief.

I feel like getting drunk, need something to numb my thoughts and this pain, but I can't I have to be there for my mother. She is so strong and independent and doesn't want to be a burden on anyone so I know she will tell me she wants to go to hospice. Ultimately, its her choice. I cannot believe this is happening. I can't imagine what its like being told that's it, there is nothing else we can do. She told me the other night that even if there is no after life its OK if its nothing like when we are asleep. I didn't say anything because deep down I don't know the answers but I tell her there is because I know that maybe its what she wants to her. I am scared for her, I don't want her to feel scared. I am panicking imagining a day that my mother won't ever be here to answer her phone, talk about fashion police, or politics.

I don't know how to act, what to say. There is no preparation for something like this. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone. If I am feeling this devastated surely my mom is feeling much worse. I have to keep that in mind and stay strong. I want to go to her now. She lives 2 1/2 hours away. I have to wait until my husband comes home so I can discuss things with him and pack some bags and take the car.

My mother has decided to stop chemo.

My mother just told me that this is her third week off chemo. She doesn't want to do another chemo and I am so speechless. I am numb. Its her decision, she no longer feels the fight is stronger than the chemo pain. She has prepaid her funeral costs. I cannot believe this, is this the end? I don't want it to be.

She goes to the doctor Tuesday, my sister is taking her. I don't have a good relationship with her and yet this is something we may have to deal with together.

If no chemo, then what? Hospice? There are no words to describe this pain other than this really sucks.