11am

My mothers oncology appointment was at 11am, I spoke to her briefly prior to it. She felt nasueous so she couldn't talk long. She said she would call me after to let me know what is going on. I waited and waited, at 12:40pm I called her cell phone, my sister answered and I haven't spoken to her in months, I was going to hang up but I swallowed my pride and spoke. She told me that it's not good, she used those same words when she told me about my fathers cancer spreading to his brain. My mother's tumor markers are going higher and higher even with the chemo and the doctor said we need to have a family meeting to discuss end of life. That was all I could get from her because my mother than came and took the phone and I felt her being scared. She cried and I told her I want to stay with her, she said she needs time and told me I could come on the weekend but have to leave Sunday. Her stomach is as large as a 9 month pregnant woman. She can't eat or use the bathroom and all they can do is give her relief.

I feel like getting drunk, need something to numb my thoughts and this pain, but I can't I have to be there for my mother. She is so strong and independent and doesn't want to be a burden on anyone so I know she will tell me she wants to go to hospice. Ultimately, its her choice. I cannot believe this is happening. I can't imagine what its like being told that's it, there is nothing else we can do. She told me the other night that even if there is no after life its OK if its nothing like when we are asleep. I didn't say anything because deep down I don't know the answers but I tell her there is because I know that maybe its what she wants to her. I am scared for her, I don't want her to feel scared. I am panicking imagining a day that my mother won't ever be here to answer her phone, talk about fashion police, or politics.

I don't know how to act, what to say. There is no preparation for something like this. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone. If I am feeling this devastated surely my mom is feeling much worse. I have to keep that in mind and stay strong. I want to go to her now. She lives 2 1/2 hours away. I have to wait until my husband comes home so I can discuss things with him and pack some bags and take the car.