By her side

When my father passed away I definitely wasn't as there for him or my mother as I should have been and I regret that. I was drinking excessively to cope or numb my feelings and working in a hostile work environment I missed out on a week of spending time with my dad in the hospital. I only had another week with him before he passed away. What really sucks is that we were all hopeful until the end. The doctors were trying a new and experimental type of treatment. What I do not understand is how they gave him radiation when he was so weak. I believe he had cachexia, was it necessary for them to poke him until the end? I am thankful for the nurses, they were great to him, he look forward to seeing them and so did we.

Now as my mom is having hospice at home, I am not leaving her side, not only because I promised my father before he took his last breath but because my mom is the sweetest, most honest person I know. The time so far is deceiving me, I sometimes forget what what come even though there is this constant feeling that has taken over me letting me know without actually saying it. I gave her a foot massage and painted her toenails, I know she has severe nerve pain from the chemo so I am not sure if she actually enjoys it or not and she is so sweet she probably wouldn't say anything to me just so I could have the feeling that what I am doing makes her feel good.

Why does this have to hurt so bad?

The Journey at the end of life.

With everyday I am becoming a different women because of my mother. She is dying but cares only to  make sure that the others around her are okay, content, happy, understanding of the journey at the end of life. She makes sure to let us know, specifically me,that she and I have a lot of things in common and how to continue to be a woman without a mothers guidance. Mom is truly a remarkable woman and its a shame that I waited until the end was kind of written in stone. I am glad that I am spending these days with her and I love her so much BUT I still cannot believe this is happening. I am numb at the thought of her not being here one day. I am praying that the end does not happen and if it doesn't I pray for it to be without misery. Just peace and light.

Miracle wanted.

The first few seconds after waking up are the best part of my day. I almost forget just for a few seconds that my mother is dying of cancer. I'm numb, trying to be strong, to make these last days, weeks or maybe even and hopefully peaceful months the best she will have as well as me.

She had a parenthesis(spelling?) Today which is a draining of fluid from her stomach. They drained 3.25 liters, which was 6 pounds of liquid. Her stomach looked 9 months prgenant and after drainge it went down to maybe 4 months big.

She is such a strong woman, many people especially doctors and nurses are amazed by her strength. She fought for 10 years stage 4 metastatic breast cancer that went to her bones, liver and now stomach.

I am pissed that she was misdiagnosed to begin with but can't go back to that.

She is so independent she still does so much and I am trying to figure out if I should let her do it and wait for her to ask for help or do I just insist. My heart is so heavy right now. I am still in shock and denial and have hope for a miracle. Where are the miracle givers? I need one now please.

Flashing Lights

My mother, sister and I were in her bedroom. She wanted to give us her jewelry. As we were going through her jewelry and talking about the history of each piece all of a sudden the light flickered on and off. It was a sharp cut of a flicker. We all said it was a sign from my dad. Later that evening I began to second guess it wondering if I did it by touch the light switch. I tested it out, the height of it  was to high and would have been such an uncomfortable position, and I would have felt if I did it. I pray that this was a sign from dad.

Morphine

My mom told me to come Friday but I couldn't wait. I'm with her now. She is sleeping and looks so beautiful and peaceful.

I took her to get her prescription filled for morphine, we went to duane reade. The pharmicist was a gray haired old bitch who looked as if she hadn't had dick and needed it badly. My mom handed her the prescription and asked her if she has this prescription. She said "you mean medicine" my mom said yes. I felt it was so rude and insensitive of her to respond to my mom like that when she knew the prescription was for morphine which is mostly given to terminally ill people, she clearly understood what she meant and she was just being snobby. My mother speaks 4 languages and was just told she needs hospice, I think she is entitled to being treated with respect. I'm going to give them a piece of my mind.

11am

My mothers oncology appointment was at 11am, I spoke to her briefly prior to it. She felt nasueous so she couldn't talk long. She said she would call me after to let me know what is going on. I waited and waited, at 12:40pm I called her cell phone, my sister answered and I haven't spoken to her in months, I was going to hang up but I swallowed my pride and spoke. She told me that it's not good, she used those same words when she told me about my fathers cancer spreading to his brain. My mother's tumor markers are going higher and higher even with the chemo and the doctor said we need to have a family meeting to discuss end of life. That was all I could get from her because my mother than came and took the phone and I felt her being scared. She cried and I told her I want to stay with her, she said she needs time and told me I could come on the weekend but have to leave Sunday. Her stomach is as large as a 9 month pregnant woman. She can't eat or use the bathroom and all they can do is give her relief.

I feel like getting drunk, need something to numb my thoughts and this pain, but I can't I have to be there for my mother. She is so strong and independent and doesn't want to be a burden on anyone so I know she will tell me she wants to go to hospice. Ultimately, its her choice. I cannot believe this is happening. I can't imagine what its like being told that's it, there is nothing else we can do. She told me the other night that even if there is no after life its OK if its nothing like when we are asleep. I didn't say anything because deep down I don't know the answers but I tell her there is because I know that maybe its what she wants to her. I am scared for her, I don't want her to feel scared. I am panicking imagining a day that my mother won't ever be here to answer her phone, talk about fashion police, or politics.

I don't know how to act, what to say. There is no preparation for something like this. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone. If I am feeling this devastated surely my mom is feeling much worse. I have to keep that in mind and stay strong. I want to go to her now. She lives 2 1/2 hours away. I have to wait until my husband comes home so I can discuss things with him and pack some bags and take the car.

Thai iced tea, why is it so damn good?

I love thai iced tea. When I lived in NYC I was able to get it delivered with ease but since moving to south jersey it was hard for me to find. I went on grubhub.com and found no thai places that delivered to me, delivery.com was never an option or like of mine but they too had places then there was urbanspoon.com I found a place that delivers to me. I did not feel much like thai so an order of one thai iced tea was not acceptable. Then there was tutti frutti, a self serve ice cream place that was in a local shopping center. They offered bubble tea, I love bubble tea as well.

My husband and I went in with a buy one get one free coupon and there it was, thai milk bubble tea. So similar in taste plus added tapioca balls- AHH-MAZING!

I have yet to research the contents, health benefits and other important information about thai iced tea and bubble teas but its on my to do list.

Domain names in 1999

Domaining in 1999 wasn't as saturated as it is today where everyone and their mother has a portfolio of names they want to unload for crazy money. One of the first names I wanted to register was friendsofthefriendless.com and it was taken by a band.

Friends of the friendless was something from and episode of I love lucy where its lucy's birthday and she thinks no one remembered it and goes off to take a walk and while in the park a group called friends of the friendless aproach her and she joins them and they march off to ricky's nightclub where she gives him and the audience an earful and then realize that he had thrown her a surpise birthday party.

Why did I want to register such a name? In 99 before myspace and facebook. The "it" thing were chat rooms and message groups/forums. I was thinking of developing a community for those who lived "in" the net without an outside social life. Ha! If only I'd been more created I could have been the creator of such a thing as facebook way back then.  But seriously, like the hman species everything gradually became what it was meant to be and friendsofthefriendless.com is still registered by someone other than me.

Beans and eggs= unpleasant night

My husband loves rice and beans. He asks me to make enough to last 3 nights and because I love him I do so the  night before. He had 2 servings. The next day for lunch I made egg salad. While it was good he began the silent bomb attack, the slow and silent PFFT sound releasing such a rotten scent that wold petrify and smack a zombie dead.

We went to walmart to get some cheese, he began releasing his attack. I wasn't aware until he started speed walking ahead and someone in the family behind us said wooo weee! In my 30 years I have never been able to launch such an applaudable release of foulness that caused another being to get hit by a hot, thick invisible wall of stank.

McFarty finished up the rice and beans this evening while I was asleep he came into the bed and woke me from his excessive movements, snoring, screeching lungs soaking in non smoke filled air and his hot air bullets. I am choking and gagging from the scent. You know its bad when yoour dog turns her head to check if she is the one farting.

I do not want to begin to try and understand those with fart fetishes, don't get me wrong sometimes I do enjoy the scent of my own and crtitique them as if they are fine wine but I can't stand to smell another persons farts.

My mother has decided to stop chemo.

My mother just told me that this is her third week off chemo. She doesn't want to do another chemo and I am so speechless. I am numb. Its her decision, she no longer feels the fight is stronger than the chemo pain. She has prepaid her funeral costs. I cannot believe this, is this the end? I don't want it to be.

She goes to the doctor Tuesday, my sister is taking her. I don't have a good relationship with her and yet this is something we may have to deal with together.

If no chemo, then what? Hospice? There are no words to describe this pain other than this really sucks.