Morphine

My mom told me to come Friday but I couldn't wait. I'm with her now. She is sleeping and looks so beautiful and peaceful.

I took her to get her prescription filled for morphine, we went to duane reade. The pharmicist was a gray haired old bitch who looked as if she hadn't had dick and needed it badly. My mom handed her the prescription and asked her if she has this prescription. She said "you mean medicine" my mom said yes. I felt it was so rude and insensitive of her to respond to my mom like that when she knew the prescription was for morphine which is mostly given to terminally ill people, she clearly understood what she meant and she was just being snobby. My mother speaks 4 languages and was just told she needs hospice, I think she is entitled to being treated with respect. I'm going to give them a piece of my mind.

11am

My mothers oncology appointment was at 11am, I spoke to her briefly prior to it. She felt nasueous so she couldn't talk long. She said she would call me after to let me know what is going on. I waited and waited, at 12:40pm I called her cell phone, my sister answered and I haven't spoken to her in months, I was going to hang up but I swallowed my pride and spoke. She told me that it's not good, she used those same words when she told me about my fathers cancer spreading to his brain. My mother's tumor markers are going higher and higher even with the chemo and the doctor said we need to have a family meeting to discuss end of life. That was all I could get from her because my mother than came and took the phone and I felt her being scared. She cried and I told her I want to stay with her, she said she needs time and told me I could come on the weekend but have to leave Sunday. Her stomach is as large as a 9 month pregnant woman. She can't eat or use the bathroom and all they can do is give her relief.

I feel like getting drunk, need something to numb my thoughts and this pain, but I can't I have to be there for my mother. She is so strong and independent and doesn't want to be a burden on anyone so I know she will tell me she wants to go to hospice. Ultimately, its her choice. I cannot believe this is happening. I can't imagine what its like being told that's it, there is nothing else we can do. She told me the other night that even if there is no after life its OK if its nothing like when we are asleep. I didn't say anything because deep down I don't know the answers but I tell her there is because I know that maybe its what she wants to her. I am scared for her, I don't want her to feel scared. I am panicking imagining a day that my mother won't ever be here to answer her phone, talk about fashion police, or politics.

I don't know how to act, what to say. There is no preparation for something like this. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone. If I am feeling this devastated surely my mom is feeling much worse. I have to keep that in mind and stay strong. I want to go to her now. She lives 2 1/2 hours away. I have to wait until my husband comes home so I can discuss things with him and pack some bags and take the car.

Thai iced tea, why is it so damn good?

I love thai iced tea. When I lived in NYC I was able to get it delivered with ease but since moving to south jersey it was hard for me to find. I went on grubhub.com and found no thai places that delivered to me, delivery.com was never an option or like of mine but they too had places then there was urbanspoon.com I found a place that delivers to me. I did not feel much like thai so an order of one thai iced tea was not acceptable. Then there was tutti frutti, a self serve ice cream place that was in a local shopping center. They offered bubble tea, I love bubble tea as well.

My husband and I went in with a buy one get one free coupon and there it was, thai milk bubble tea. So similar in taste plus added tapioca balls- AHH-MAZING!

I have yet to research the contents, health benefits and other important information about thai iced tea and bubble teas but its on my to do list.

Domain names in 1999

Domaining in 1999 wasn't as saturated as it is today where everyone and their mother has a portfolio of names they want to unload for crazy money. One of the first names I wanted to register was friendsofthefriendless.com and it was taken by a band.

Friends of the friendless was something from and episode of I love lucy where its lucy's birthday and she thinks no one remembered it and goes off to take a walk and while in the park a group called friends of the friendless aproach her and she joins them and they march off to ricky's nightclub where she gives him and the audience an earful and then realize that he had thrown her a surpise birthday party.

Why did I want to register such a name? In 99 before myspace and facebook. The "it" thing were chat rooms and message groups/forums. I was thinking of developing a community for those who lived "in" the net without an outside social life. Ha! If only I'd been more created I could have been the creator of such a thing as facebook way back then.  But seriously, like the hman species everything gradually became what it was meant to be and friendsofthefriendless.com is still registered by someone other than me.

Beans and eggs= unpleasant night

My husband loves rice and beans. He asks me to make enough to last 3 nights and because I love him I do so the  night before. He had 2 servings. The next day for lunch I made egg salad. While it was good he began the silent bomb attack, the slow and silent PFFT sound releasing such a rotten scent that wold petrify and smack a zombie dead.

We went to walmart to get some cheese, he began releasing his attack. I wasn't aware until he started speed walking ahead and someone in the family behind us said wooo weee! In my 30 years I have never been able to launch such an applaudable release of foulness that caused another being to get hit by a hot, thick invisible wall of stank.

McFarty finished up the rice and beans this evening while I was asleep he came into the bed and woke me from his excessive movements, snoring, screeching lungs soaking in non smoke filled air and his hot air bullets. I am choking and gagging from the scent. You know its bad when yoour dog turns her head to check if she is the one farting.

I do not want to begin to try and understand those with fart fetishes, don't get me wrong sometimes I do enjoy the scent of my own and crtitique them as if they are fine wine but I can't stand to smell another persons farts.

My mother has decided to stop chemo.

My mother just told me that this is her third week off chemo. She doesn't want to do another chemo and I am so speechless. I am numb. Its her decision, she no longer feels the fight is stronger than the chemo pain. She has prepaid her funeral costs. I cannot believe this, is this the end? I don't want it to be.

She goes to the doctor Tuesday, my sister is taking her. I don't have a good relationship with her and yet this is something we may have to deal with together.

If no chemo, then what? Hospice? There are no words to describe this pain other than this really sucks.

Dad always called me "the little one". I miss you dad!

For my 29th birthday my family put together a small birthday party for me at my sisters house. After the cake everyone sat in certain spots throughot the living room/dining room area. My father was seated at the head of the table next to me. He said "this is the last birthday ill spend here with you" and he was crying. I didn't believe him, he said something like that every holiday.

Dad was right that time, it was the day we also went to the hospital and admitted him. His cancer spread to most of his organs and the exterior of his brain. He passed away a few days before fathers day.

There is something so special between a good father and daughter relationship. The protective man who would do whatever he cold in his power to make sure no harm was done to his little one. A bond that was so strong that even thogh there were arguments and hurtful words said it cold not break it. The one man that would never break your heart and would always be there for you. And although he wasn't perfect, in your eyes he was perfect! True and honest love. He always asked me to hug and kiss him when I went out and there were times I didn't , he said one day you are going to want a hug and I won't be here. Today I wanted a hug and he is not here, I will never be able to smell him, hug him or kiss him again and I wish I would've done it more. I miss him so much.