The end of the end.

mom passed away saturday august 10, 2013 at 12:25 pm. We arrived at the hospice she was brought to the night before. I fed her orange sherbet type ice cream, she told me to try it so I did and although it was good my mouth had no desire for it because of sadness and so I said it is really good. She liked it, it was cold and the most flavor she had in a while. She couldn't keep it down. We also gave her cold water,  she was so thankful and said it's so good, so cold. She seemed fine. She was very restless and plying with her bedding and gown in a repetitive fashion.

I had done my hair the way she liked it (applying mane and tail to wet hair and letting it dry, no more frizzy curly hair!) She looked and made and said "your hair looks so beautiful (a few weeks ago she gave me a really good look and said I was pretty, it touched me)

Of course my sister was playing peekabo again, spending most of her time outside smoking and socializing on the phone instead of spending these last precious moments with our mother. At around 12am my mom became restless again and I talked to her about getting some morphine (earlier she declined some) and I went out the room to find the nurse, I couldn't see her so I came back the room and let my mom know and then I remembered the call light. I pressed the button and a few moments later the nurse came in and a few minutes later morphine was given. my sister came back into the room a while later and my mom asked us to  leave. I couldn't understand why, I said I want to stay with you, she must have remembered how uncomfortable it was sleeping in the chair when my dad was dying in the hospital. She said she needed to relax and can't do it with us there. We decided to tell her we were leaving and go into the day room. my sister decided it was time to check herself in the mirrors and text. I tried to nap, I couldn't we decided to get something to eat and we came back and went into the room. mom wasn't having it, she sortayelled for us to leave. I don't remember if I kissed her. We told her we would be back in the morning.

Before we left we went to speak with the nurse and she said some patients do not want their family with them or do not want them to see them declining. She said your mom said she did not want to burden you, and I feel that is why she went into in patient hospice because of the arguments between my sister and I about her smoking and cough as well as her constantly leaving the apartment. my mom was in no way a burden to me. We went back to mom's I slept barely 2 hours. In the morning my sister called the hospital to check on mom, the nurse said she was talking gibberish and that she was restless(I think she was trying to say something but the nurses did not have the patience to listen to understand, we encountered some beast nurses there) we arrived at the hospital at around 9:30 am and said hey mom we are here, she opened an eye once or twice, we asked her if she wanted to drink or needed anything she wasn't responsive verbally, we asked her to squeeze our hand or moan if she wanted water,she moaned we swabbed her mouth and she sucked the water out of it. mom's blood pressure was in the low 70's, she was breathing hard and it was noisy, almost struggling, I heard a little rattle in her throat but just occasionally. We requested oxygen and morphine, it calmed down a little. When they placed the oxegyn tubes in her nose she moved her hand to it to either see what it was or try to get it off. The doctor told us the most she had was 2 days and they will decide later if she should be put on critical status.

The Chaplain came, we requested prayer from a Priest (last rites witch are called anointing of the sick) It was beautiful. That was at approx 11:15am, we also spoke to out mother letting her know she wasn't a burden and she was the best mother and we told her it was ok to go to dad. my sister was on one side of the room and I was on the other, from the corner of my eye I saw what looked like blood streaming out the right side of her mouth. I ran outside for a nurse and she came in and said she was still breathing, the doctor came in and at 12:35pm she was pronounced dead. I think she took her last breath after the blood or vomit(she had been throwing up a bloody looking fluid) She was cold, and quiet. I am not sure if I felt her in the room or if she had gone to the bench where my father was waiting for her in paradise.

Kleptomaniac sister?

There seems to be a kleptomaniac in this house. A few days ago I bought for my mother a package of chocolate jello pudding and I can add that to the list of mysteriously missing things. I have found in my sister's bag (I didn't search through it but saw it laying in there) wallflowers from bath & body works that she took from my mother. I wouldn't mind sharing but these were for my mother, she is dying and can barely eat and there are 4 missing. 

I cannot believe I have such narcissistic sister, who in their right mind steals prescription pills, pudding, and perfumed home oils? I am so disgusted,, and she lies. She does not take ownership for it. Who denies it after being caught red-handed. How do you constantly leave the side of your mother on her deathbed to entertain your wayward friends and lovers on the phone. She already left the house today for 2 hours for no legitimate reason, there are no tears from her eyes, every mourns in their own way but she is in no way mourning. This is turning into a social boost for her from her wayward crew. 

There is no sister relationship between the two of us, in face when she choose to take my innocence away as a child and molest me. There is so much more shit I had to endure because of her growing up but it is deserving of its own blog post. Even now in the time of my mothers death she makes no effort to be comforted or comfort me. She choose the friends whose email and Facebook accounts she hacked many times because she felt they were plotting and talking against her. If they knew who she really is I doubt the wayward's would even want to deal with her.

I just saw she packed away all of my mothers clothes, bitch have a little respect, if not for your mother for yourself and at least wait until our mother passes away cause you look desperate, better yet stop being a desperate bitch. 

Time and Time Again

I just have to vent. I have been staying with my mother everyday except for the few hours I picked up my husband and drove him back. Overcoming sensory issues that have plagued me and barred me in many relationships. I have been doing so much and I am not trying to get any points or high fives but I cannot understand how my sister is constantly texting, going on facebook, going downstairs, lying that she is downstairs when she is driving to who knows where. I have paid for her meals every night, mostly takeout from restaurants. I caught her taking metformin from my prescription bottle (it makes you go to the bathroom if you are not used to it) she lied about it too. I am so pissed and feel taken advantage of, time and time again. She coughs and doesn't cover her mouth, for 4 days I asked her to get cough syrup from the pharmacy down the block, and today she finally does it. I am here 100% for my mother with her being my priority and clearly her priority is herself. I cannot stand being near her, she molested me as a child and she acts as if she is the victim. When I caught her stealing metformin red-handed she raised her voice at me! I am beyond pissed and dislike the lack of appreciation.

Time and time again throughout my life things like this have happened leaving me to feel like a guest on Dr.Phil, sometimes even on Jerry Springer. I always put other people's feelings, wants and needs before mine and I never get appreciated. I am always the one shafted. I feel like a complete jerk for saying this but I wish this were over already so I did not have to deal with her and her bullshit. She never takes ownership for anything and it is always someone else's fault, I guess it would be my fault for leaving my prescription bottle in the medicine cabinet.

And, all of a sudden she claims she has ADHD, um yeah ok. I am dreading the funeral that is in my opinion supposed to be a time for close family and friends of the deceased. I know my sister is going to text everyone in her phone book and invite them. It is not gonna happen. I am not going to have it turn out the way it did at my father's funeral, enough is enough.

I need to get out tomorrow for a few hours, maybe get a pedicure, eyebrows done and some new shoes. I don't want to miss the moments with my mother but I am going to go crazy here with my bi-polar sister.

Kisses

It is so hard when you are looking at the woman who gave birth to you, did everything for you, and raised you die right in front of your eyes. The cancer is practically all over and she takes no pain meds, she says she feels like a zombie and that she is sleeping her life away. Her mind is so strong. I kissed her on the lips as I said good night and cherished it. Kisses are good.

Xanax overdose.

Yesterday started out weird. First of all, I could not fall asleep because I was crying all night about my mom, I am having severe pain in my upper right abdomen that I think is gallstones (Just got to wait it out and see) I had to take a pain killer and motrin in order to fall asleep. Tossed and turned all night just watching my mom sleep, think I finally fell asleep around 3:40am and I woke up around 12:00pm Sunday. My mom was on the couch, I served her soup and she was barely opening her mouth to sleep. It reminded me of when my father became to weak, I questioned if death was taking over her because of that same stone stare. On top of that her ascites drain catheter was leaking, no nurse came to drain her. My husband (came to visit mom for the weekend) had not eaten and was getting hungry and I had not eaten as well so we wwere going to order from grubhub.com but I decided not to because it would not be right for her to suffer from smelling food she could not eat. The original plan for the day was to take my husband home at 6pm when my sister could come to the house to be with mom. Mom wasn't having it. 

Mom said she needed to sleep, that she hadn't was tossing and turning all night and didn't sleep. It sounded odd because I knew she took 2 xanax and that usually knocks her out and I watched her sleeping most of the night and she woke up 11am. I respected her wishes and at around 2:30pm my husband and I left but before I left she made me promise to not call 911 (as per her wishes and hospice at home rules) and do not resuscitate, she asked me to write it down on a pad which I did and left it near her on the couch. As we were leaving she said she was going into the bed room to rest and for me not to call her, I said ok. After I left, I called my sister's cell to let her know but got no answer, she took her son to a birthday party and I finally got in touch with her around 5pm, she told me she was leaving the party soon and then would drop the kids off to their father and go to moms.

At 8pm my sister calls me and says " I think mom took a bottle of xanax, a whole bottle is lying next to her and she is slurring her speech and vomiting. She wrote us a letter and signed that she is "going home" "

I asked her to make sure and check the medicine bin for a bottle of xanax, she found it. After driving and being stuck in traffic I made it to moms around 9:45pm. I came stocked with organic chicken broth and water for mom. My sister was waiting for me downstairs, she ran over her end of the day with me up until a few moments ago to her greeting me. I got upstairs, I said hello to mom and kissed her, she was rocked. She oddly looked at me, barely opening her eyes. She was lying on the couch. She asked me if she was going to go to heaven. She called for the bucket to vomit in, she asked for water, then threw up some more, this went on for a while until she sat up and was wobbling. She looked drugged. I knew she took the xanax but we weren't sure just how many pills.

My sister and I called her hospice care network, asked for the yellow team and were told to wait for a nurse to call back within 15 minutes. A nurse, let's call her Helen, called back and wasn't very helpful. She asked us if we would be okay  and could be able to live with letting our mother commit suicide. She twisted our words, we were frantic and panicky but calm at the same time. Since we did not know how many pills she took we asked for advice. For example, if she took the pills after I left but was coherent when my sister arrived at 7pm and was now throwing up obviously her attempt failed what she we do? I asked how many pills of .5mg xanax would cause a suicide. Basically we weren't sure if we should call 911 about this so we called the hospice network as they told us and now this lady was twisting our words telling us we were aiding her suicide and she was calling 911?! WOW! The nerve of her. 

The police came within 5 minutes, no offense but these 2 our of shape dingbats were so frightened as they later explained the precinct had recently responded to a 911 call where the person attempting suicide slashed a cop who arrived at the scene, if the hospice nurse explained anything correctly to the 911 the following did not have to happen. Plain clothes detected barged in without knocking and then when the cops told them its ok they started to joke around. I could tell my sister was fuming mad about it as was I. The paramedics arrived next, mom got the story out that she took about 10-12 xanax and why didn't it do anything? 

They took her to the ER, I rode along with mom in the ambulance and my sister followed in her car. The ambulance ride was horrible, the e.m.t. made sure to drive over every pothole and bump, and was blasting rap music as if she was pumping herself up for a night out to a club. I rolled my eyes, I was appalled and the e.m.t. who was riding inthe back with us did a good job of making conversation after that telling me how she was gassy and feeling sick from eating a Nathan's hot dog earlier but it was so good and worth it. In the ER I noticed my mother was getting more jaundice, she was still loopy and just wanted to know why it didn't work. 

When asked why she did it she said that she is suffering, she cannot eat or drink, she battled with breast cancer for 10 years and just wants the pain to end. 

How can anyone argue with that? I am dying inside, I am losing my mother, my best friend. Yet I cannot be so selfish as to expect her to continue taking weekly chemo treatments to stretch her life. As soon as she stopped the chemo she got the ascites, was her quality of life better on chemo or suffering physically and emotionally waiting to die? I don't know the answers. I wish I did. She doesn't want to be on morphine until the end, she is strong she tolerates the pain but yet she does not want to suffer, what is the right thing to do?

I do not agree with suicide but at this time I am numb at her attempt. It is shocking yet it did not shock me, I cannot explain this feeling. I just want her to be free, to be with my father and other loved ones in heaven, without pain and disease.

After the intake, medical questions, blood work and psychiatric screening they felt it was ethical to release her. The hospice network set up the ride home for her and we were told we could not ride with her so my sister and I are at mom's waiting for her. We got her bed ready, nightgown and all. She is not home yet so I write this unable to nap as my sister is doing right now. 

Somehow I feel like this is my fault. A month or 2 ago when I was attending college classes I stayed with my mom the days I had class. I subscribed to netflix as a gift for my mom because she loves movies. She is 64 years old and hipper than me when it comes to music, tv shows and movies. One night I fell asleep early and woke up at 12:30am and came into the living room to find her watching a documentary about assisted suicide. A woman was spending her last holiday, her family with her at home. She had terminal liver cancer and her stomach looked to be 9 months pregnant. She chose the night to die, one of her family members crushed up some pills that were provided to her by a medical assisted suicide place and they put in a drink and that was the end of the film. I feel if she didn't see this she wouldn't have attempted it. Mom asked why they couldn't help her end the suffering of living like this and to lighten things up I said because this isn't Texas, she said-it was Oregon, can I move there? 

I cannot believe I am writing about something like this, and I am not ashamed of her attempt. I feel indifferent about it. I just worry now what is to come, I do not want her to suffer. 

The greatest things in life or unattainable by force or money.

The greatest things in life are unattainable by force or money. I spent so much time, put in so much energy and worry to make money to launder into the cycle of greed, and profit with no shame. Black suits turning faces for the almighty dollar, creating toxic products to feed America, causing cancer to create more profit instead of spreading the true meaning of life that is sometimes only found out through devasting times or when its too late.
My few and simple words won't make a difference. Positivity is thrown to the side in a gossip filled tv with junk that pollutes the mind not to concentrate on the longest road we will ever be on called life.

denial

Life is not easy and dying from a disease is not easy either. It is painful to watch, to put yourself in the other person's shoes is an even harder thing to do. 

I am still in denial, yet I am seeing it unfold in right in front of me.The strength my mother has always had is amazing and day by day she is losing it all. Her skin is so dry, I put lotion on it but nothing helps. My sister and I washed her hair. Urge her to eat but she can barely drink. She is scared, we can tell an that hurts the most. I wish I knew all the answers so I can tell my mom not to worry dad is on their bench in heaven waiting but I don't so I say nothing. I do not know the right things to say and maybe I will regret it later on that I never said them. I don't tell her I am looking at her to see is she is jaundice, or let her know I notice that she is becoming thinner and thinner. 

I was never an over the top helpful girl, pretty much just lazy, and I was never affectionate. It feels weird to jump into it. Maybe I have sensory issues, maybe I am just screwed up emotionally but I am giving whatever love, affectionate, attention, hospitality and everything else I can to my mom and its a little too late. It sucks realizing things when you can't do anything to change it.

It is true in the end that the hearing is the last to go. I hope she hears my father calling for her. I hope they wait for me and our family so we can spend eternity together. (I always wondered how that worked, I am sure they want to be with their parents and their parents want to be with their own and so on- how does it work? I am hopeful for the afterlife to make more sense than life on earth.)