Dad always called me "the little one". I miss you dad!

For my 29th birthday my family put together a small birthday party for me at my sisters house. After the cake everyone sat in certain spots throughot the living room/dining room area. My father was seated at the head of the table next to me. He said "this is the last birthday ill spend here with you" and he was crying. I didn't believe him, he said something like that every holiday.

Dad was right that time, it was the day we also went to the hospital and admitted him. His cancer spread to most of his organs and the exterior of his brain. He passed away a few days before fathers day.

There is something so special between a good father and daughter relationship. The protective man who would do whatever he cold in his power to make sure no harm was done to his little one. A bond that was so strong that even thogh there were arguments and hurtful words said it cold not break it. The one man that would never break your heart and would always be there for you. And although he wasn't perfect, in your eyes he was perfect! True and honest love. He always asked me to hug and kiss him when I went out and there were times I didn't , he said one day you are going to want a hug and I won't be here. Today I wanted a hug and he is not here, I will never be able to smell him, hug him or kiss him again and I wish I would've done it more. I miss him so much.

Ten Top Reasons to Start your Own Business

Ten Top Reasons to Start your Own Business :

1. Be your own boss
2. You get to do what you’re interested in
3. You are creating jobs for Others
4. A legacy to pass on to your children
5. Set your Own Schedule
6. Your dreams become reality
7. Work from Anywhere
8. Creativity
9. No commute
10. Inspire others to go after their dreams!

Jodi Arias Penalty Phase.

I attend college in NYC so I stay at my moms place for a few days each week. She is a total tv hog, she loves her shoes. Fashion police, the voice, dallas, american idol, dancing with the stars, dr. Oz and true crime shows. She followed the Jodi Arias trial from day 1, she got me hooked, even though I didn't watch from the beginning. Currently the case is in the penalty phase.

We all know Jodi is a bit psycho, she should have kept her mouth shut from the beginning. She is also very intriguing. You can see the cold, and stark darkness in her eyes. There is also sadness, I truly believe that a) she found out something before making plans to see him and thought out well how she was going to do it. I believe the last photo she took of Travis Alexander he looked scared or forced almost or the brutal way in which she ended his life was done so because she went into a violent rage and maybe she was being a tad truthful when she said she didn't remember, to stab someone 29 times you have really need to have some evil rage within you.

I do not believe she should get death. I go all the way back to what I thought on Timothy Mcveigh's execution day, "is it right for one to kill another to show people that killing people is wrong" could this monster some how say something in the future that prevents other horrific tragedies. What will be will be, it is the jury's decision and sad to say but they will have to live with it. I do not think Jodi will ever be a threat to anyone or thing in her new prision world.

I cannot imagine the exact pain the Alexander family is going through but as some of you may know my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, actually misdiagnosed, and that one inaccurate reading of her mammogram basically destroyed her future and our family's future together. My mother will be leaving this world to "go home" (as she puts it) much sooner and this POS doctor is living and continues to practice. Not right! If I could see him today I would scream at him, curse even, and I think I would lose it.
I say lock her up and throw the key away. Solitary is far more worse than lethal injection.

My dog, my best friend.

The hubby and I felt it was time to take the next step and get a dog. We did not want to buy when there are so many dogs out there in shelters seized from bad homes and puppy mills. Our neighborhood association only allows small to mid-sized dogs so we went to animal shelters to seek out our pet baby.

We found this adorable little toy shih tzu, filled out the paperwork and the day came to pick her up her owners came to get her. It turns out she was a runaway!

We felt down and I made my husband take me to all  New Jersey animal shelters I could find. We finally went back to the shelter where we were gonna adopt the shih tzu and then I found my bella. A young 3-4 year old mini pinscher. She was skin and bones labeled as a stray. It was a long 4 days before we got to take her home. She is like a trojan horse, she will look at you from the corner of her eye to check you out. Barks at any stranger near our home and loves to be loved.

That day we found our pet baby she got lucky and we got lucky. We love her so much. My husband named her Bella, I have to add that he named her or he might get hurt feelings.

Adopt from a pet shelter, don't support puppy mills by purchasing a dog from a store that sells them.

Check out your local city pet shelter. There are so many dogs put up for adoption that there is not enough room for them so most city shelter euthanize.

Donate to reupatable not for profit pet shelters. It doesn't have to be money, some accept rags that are used as blankets. Toys, pet food, leashes. Check with them for what they currently need.

Midnight snacks

It seems that more and more lately I have been unable to sleep at night. I don't quite know if its because of the start of my business, my mom being sick, lack of sex (its been 1 1/2 without a session longer than 3 minutes) or just insomnia. I feel tired but my mind races and I'm waiting for my eyes to shut on their own and it doesn't happen.

I also become hungry, so I eat something. I try not to have any carbs or sweets. After I have a snack I start the process of trying to fall asleep again and usally end up asleep by 4am. During this time I am able to watch shows like jerry springer and steve wilkos, the shows I can't watch during the day because I am working. These shows are so trashy but it takes me back to being 14 and cutting school to go over a friends house and watch Jerry. His shows was better back then.

I don't want to lose my best friend, my mother to cancer!

Tonight my mother told me that her cancer has attacked the liver again. She feels it has enlarged. She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in 2003. I'm pretty sad right now. Is it my fault for worrying her too much. What will I do without my best friend, my mother. I'm not ready for her to go. She tries to convince me that she has lived a long life and accomplished much. I say she has mch more to go.

Its not in our hands, the chemo can only work for so long as it affects her quality of life. I want to scream right now, I cannot understand why. 2 years ago on may 4th my father left for the hospital and never came back. He was a 22 year prostate cancer survivor, they only gave him 6 months and he lived 22 years! The cancer spread to his other organs and the outer layer of the brain. There was nothing that could be done. I was with him when he took his last breath.

Days before he passed, on a Friday, my mom, sister and aunt were with him in the room.  He surprisingly took the pen from the tray and wrote on a styrofoam plate: "thank you for being here with me. I love you all" he then had a seizure. I had never seen anyone having one before and I thought he was dying. On Sunday at around 3pm he went home to the angels.

I don't want to lose my mom to cancer. She is so strong for living with her pain, cancer pain is really bad. The strength she has for living and dealing with the fact that cancer will kill her. She saw the process my father went through and I know she is scared but she tried to be strong. She is already telling me how she wants her funeral.

I need to be strong for her. She lives in NY and I live in NJ so I will stay with her. I'm married with no children and my husband will understand. She might say no about it because she loves her privacy.

Please pray, sometimes prayer helps, I tell myself but I've lost my faith since my father passed.

Frenemies exist: From elementary school on...

I spent most of my school years crying, wondering why me. In elementary school I  was picked on for being different, for having brown eyes and brown hair. It became so hard for me to develop true friendships because of this. I was called a lesbian and I never knew why. I never acted in a "lesbionic" way, I wasn't a tom boy. In fact I had boyfriends who I held hands with during recess. Girls who I thought were my best friend turned on me when more agressive girls took leadership and I was left stranded.

In Jr. High school, I strayed from such friends and encountered a different kind. One friend would call me "scrappy" in front of everyone, she would constantly put me down, and yet I felt bad when she would stop being my friend every few days. She was a bully, I stayed friends with her for 13 years or so and finally began to stand up for myself and put myself first. She was friends with a lot of people, I guess I was her punching bag. I wish I was stronger back then but I actually was, I made it through and I didn't let anyone break me.

My sister is another one who abused me verbally and emotionally to get her way. She continued to do it until I became strong enough to speak up and defend myself. I promised myself I would not allow anyone to walk over me ever again and its hard because you never truly know another person's intentions. Today I don't allow anyone or anything make me feel unsafe, I remove them or myself from the situation and keep moving on with my life without letting anyone affect me. I got me a pretty strong backbone :)